Cordon D'Off

What's it all about, Alife!

Cordon D'Off

32 years ago i learned to cook, I also learned that head chefs were strange creatures who took great delight in hurling pot's pan's and knives about the kitchen as a method of gaining the attention of the lesser staff such as Commis chef and plongeurs. I also discovered that there was always an "initiation" ceremony which usually involved some form of physical abuse of the initiatee. My first initiation involved a large quantity of "flour eggwash and breadrumb" followed by an unwelcome incarceration down a long dark cupboard.

It was that experience which helped me decide that working in a commercial kitchen is only for the criminally insane or sociopath.

Gordon fuckin Ramsey has been asked by TV bosses to tone down his fuckin language. Ramsey (Fuckin 45) responded by saying "bless my soul, I am sure I don't know why they said that" Ramsey (purloigner of the fword first coigned by fuckin me!) was criticised by television watchdogs for glorifying the fuckin language and excessive use of the deletive fuckin expletive. Ramsey further responded by saying, " I am really most terribly sorry, I thought it was entertainment"

Meanwhile Jammy Olive (15) said something completely unintelligible but still earned an enormous wad of sponduliks from Jays Ainsbury.

Asked whether he would take seriously the threats against his businesses in Cornwally, Ricks Tyne answered "Halibut" washed down with a nice Sauvignon Blanc. When asked to elaborate Tyne said "ok, poached Halibut, wased down with a chilled Sauvignon Blanc" He was clearly pissed and talking CodsWallop so we decided to interview Kieth Ignacius Floyd! (84) the grand daddy of talentless celebrity cooks now living in southern Franceville.

Kieth was too pissed to comment.

We finally caught up with Heston Bloomingtall (3?) who was in his laboratory scientifically boiling an egg. Heston explained that the water one boils an egg in had different properties depending on the region the water came from and that in order to gain another rosette, he must boil the egg absolutely perfectly! we said "Bollocks" bring back the galloping gourmet!

Hampshire Daisies

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Buy one bunch of daisies - get the second bunch at half price. For best results, give them plenty of sun, frequent watering, and regular fertilization.

$10.00

Recipe

Thinly slice (about 3-4mm) an Aubergine (width ways stupid!) soak the slices in cold water for about 15-20 mins to remove bitterness then drain and dry the slices, if they go brown it is because you didn't put any lemon juice in the water!

Meanwhile make a medium batter (oh come on! look it up!) Meanwhile even more, get a load of Vegetable oil flippin hot, then dunk the slices of Aubergine in the batter, shake off any excess (like drinking and smoking) and bung the battered Aubergine into the hot oil. let them fry until the batter is golden brown then get em the hell out of the oil and shake off more excess (working 5 days a week and jogging) serve on a plate, paper plates are best cos we are wasting billions of gallons of water and planting trillions of fucking trees! The crispy fried Aubergine is wonderful with a drizzle of Molassess or treacle. I don't know what you should do with the rest of the Moles but I am sure you will think of something.